*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
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I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I unironically love this joke.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
just witnessed a drug deal
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
A French press is when you hug naked
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?