*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
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When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”