*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
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Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Smile they said.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.