*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
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Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me