Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
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I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”