Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
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Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
TRAIN’S HERE
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*