Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
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Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!