Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
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I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
prepare for carbonated trouble
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*