WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
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OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess