wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
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I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Practicing safe sax
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter