Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
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have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
See..?
.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.