Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
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[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Clients after you give them your rates
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.