*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
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I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Is this you?
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.