@headstrong_girl: "Wife stabs husband with squirrel" was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
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@liv_thatsme: Well, I was in a huge hurry until you started driving 1 inch from my bumper. Now, I've got all the time in the world.
@dubiousrhetoric: Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It's very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
@tastefactory: *tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*