“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
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Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house