“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
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Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?