*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
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IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Meanwhile in Portland…
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited