wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
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Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.