Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
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Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs