@daddyville: Wife still out of town. I'm afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
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@gogglepossum: Cop: [knocks] Dinosaur: can I help you? Cop: we've had reports of small arms fire [Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
@edgeoftheword: And then alcohol said "Put that on facebook, it's hilarious." But alcohol was wrong. So very wrong.
@theshantilly: Him: You're pretty obnoxious. You know that? Me: I'm sorry. All I heard was pretty.
@GuyThe_Guy: Autocorrect just turned "stepdaughter" into "lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider"