Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
You Might Also Like
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.