I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
You Might Also Like
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
WTF
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Lmao 🤣
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*