[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
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Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
time for some seasonal decor
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single