WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
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your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
That was easy.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.