wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
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I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?