WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
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if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.