I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
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Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.