Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
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Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.