wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
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i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂