wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
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My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Breaking news:
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?