wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
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If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Sex so good you see dead people.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy