Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
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I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
🤣🤣
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]