Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
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Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic