@BrendanHealy4: Wife texts husband 'Windows frozen', husband texts wife 'try bucket of warm water', wife texts husband 'computer not working at all now'
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@PaulyPeligroso: The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
@apparentlysmart: Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent's glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
@samalmightysam: Most populated places in the world: 1. China 2. India 3. United States 4. Indonesia 5. Friend Zone 6. Hell