wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
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Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.