wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
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I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Sorry not sorry.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers