I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
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My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating