Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
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Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.