wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
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someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.