Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
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I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.