Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
You Might Also Like
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
this is me
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.