Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
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Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
They’re not wrong
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
necessity is the mother of invention
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.