Radiohead fans, this is for you.
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relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92