Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
You Might Also Like
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.