Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
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3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
How do horror writers compete with current events?
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
#dalle2
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him