Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
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BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.