wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
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I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh