@FatherofTweet: Wife: "The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie." Husband: "Which is this?"
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@ComedicBust: My boss took me out to dinner to celebrate my promotion, but after he watched me eat ribs for 20 minutes, I was given a severance package.
@LeeMifsud: "I saw a flock of cows today" "Flock of cows?" "Yes a flock of cows" "Herd of cows?" "Of course I've heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!"
@djdarrellripley: Me: Who could that be? It's 2:00 in the morning. Her: I don't know. Do burglars knock? Me: It depends on how they were raised...
@RobbieGramer: Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens