Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
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to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
definitely did not do anything wrong