Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
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Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20