” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
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One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
awkward
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
don’t be scared
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil