Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
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the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
bro what is going on at twitter
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Scream sneezers need love too.