I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
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“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
My guardian angel deserves a raise
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.