@YesitsAl: Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she's had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she's talking about right now
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@ddsmidt: Throw me to the wolves and they'll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
@agathagotstoned: The plane starts going down. I say, "If we die, know that hat is hideous". We all survive. Great Aunt Mildred hasn't spoken to me since.
@5hael: My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark