Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
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Oh hi lol
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
*seductively eats two tums*
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.