@YesitsAl: Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she's had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she's talking about right now
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@goodhairperson: *watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
@mattgallo123: The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.
@FeelingMervis: UGH. When I text girls that I have standards, I really need to stop abbreviating the word standards to STDs.